Sexual Abuse:
Definitions, Perpetrators, Victims, and Effects
Definition
of Child Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse is any form of sexual activity with a child by
an adult, or by another child where there is no consent or consent is not
possible, or by another child who has power over the child. By this definition,
it is possible for a child to be sexually abused by another child who is
younger than they are.
Sexual abuse
includes showing a child pornographic materials, placing the child's hand on
another person's genitals, touching a child's genitals, to the more extreme
form of abuse, penetration. Penetration does not have to occur for it to be
sexual abuse.
Who are the
Perpetrators?
Perpetrators are most often someone the
child knows and trusts. As far as we know, perpetrators, are most often male
relatives, including fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles and cousins;
friends of the family; or neighbours. Perpetrators can also be female,
including mothers, sisters, aunts, babysitters, and grandmothers.
Usually the perpetrator has easy access to the child because s/he
has sole responsibility for the child, or takes care of or visits the child,
and is trusted by the child's parents.
Where Does
Sexual Abuse Occur?
Sexual abuse
or incest can occur anywhere, at any time, often in front of other people who
do not, or choose to not see. I have heard many stories of children being
abused while other people were in the next room, in a car with them, or sitting
at a dinner table.
Who is
Sexually Abused?
All children
are vulnerable to sexual abuse, particularly girls. Sexual abuse and incest
occur in every race, class, religion, culture, and country.
Once a
child has been sexually abused, and has not received appropriate help,
support, and understanding for what has happened, s/he can be
particularly vulnerable to being sexually abused again by another perpetrator.
This is not the fault of the child. This is due to the fact that she has
learned that sexual abuse is something that people will and can do to her/his
body.
Children whose emotional needs are not
met--who are emotionally deprived, or otherwise abused--can also be more
vulnerable because they need attention and some perpetrators exploit that need.
Again, this is not the child's fault. The child did not create the fact that
her/his needs were not met, nor the fact that someone exploited that need.
Homophobia
puts lesbian and gay youth at risk of sexual abuse. Many gay youth are forced
to go to adult clubs, bars and other settings in order to explore their
sexuality and to meet other prople who are gay. By being in an adult setting
they are more likely to be exploited (just as heterosexual girls would be at
risk in an adult heterosexual setting). Also, it is unlikely that gay youth
will tell anyone if they are abused because they would have to reveal that they
were in a gay setting. With little or no access to information about gay
sexuality, many youth misinterpret abuse experiences as representing what it
means to be gay. This puts them at further risk.
Different
Effects and Coping Strategies of Child Sexual Abuse
The effects of
child sexual abuse are wide ranging, and vary from survivor to survivor
depending on a number of different factors such as age of victim, duration of
abuse, number of perpetrators, nature of relationship with perpetrator, and the
severity of the assault.
I always
hesitant to write that last one--the severity of the assault--because all abuse
is traumatic and harmful to victims. I have known women quite traumatized by
their breasts being repeatedly grabbed when they were a child. While this may
not be as severe as some other forms of abuse, it can have strong and
long-lasting effects. It's important to remember that while being assaulted in
a more violent manner does have its own specific effects, it in no way
minimizes the reality and experience of others who have not experienced that
kind of violence.
Emotional
Effects
The emotional
effects include feelings of: confusion, powerlessness, helplessness, pain,
betrayal, sadness, grief, loss, feeling dirty, shame, vulnerable, unsafe,
scared, terrified, horrified, depressed, angry, numb from feelings and body,
suspicious, untrusting, tortured, sensitive, emotional, hurt, panic, anxiety,
and feeling miserable.
Beliefs about one•s self include:"I am bad, no one loves me,
no one could love me, I am unlovable, I am dirty, it's my fault, I'm stupid, I
should have done something, I should have told someone, I hate myself, I must
be bad, I must have wanted it, I must have done something, I'm being punished,
I deserve to die, I don't want to be me, why do these things happen to me, I
must have deserved it"
Minimizing
Beliefs
Survivors are confronted with
overwhelming pain. In order to cope with extreme and intense emotions, the
details of what happened, and who hurt them, they may try to convince
themselves "it wasn't so bad, it didn't really hurt them, others have been
hurt much more" etc. This is a form of self-protection. It did hurt, it
still hurts but it may be too hard or scary right now to face it all.
As a form of
self-protection, minimizing may help slow the process down which may be what
the survivor needs from time to time. As a constant way of coping however,
minimization leads to self-blame and self- hatred which is not helpful and
hurts a great deal.
Rationalization
Survivors need to protect themselves from
the truth of the situation, after all someone they trusted, and perhaps loved,
hurt them very badly. Rationalization is when a survivor explains the abusive
behavior away--"he didn't know what he was doing, he was abused himself as
a child, he thought he was showing me love, she was really messed up, she didn't
mean to hurt me." The survivor is trying to protect her/himself from the
horrible truth of the situation.
Denial
Denial is
recognizable by a survivor saying, "it didn't happen; I must be making it
up; after all how can I be sure anything actually happened; and what if I •m
wrong; it probably didn't happen; it couldn t have happened."
In my experience, some denial even as an
adult can be helpful. Denial can help slow the process down. We know denial
helps a child to survive. We cannot expect someone to simply abandon their hard
earned coping strategies even if they are safe now. Safety is not only an
external reality it is an internal one as well. Many survivors do not feel safe
and may need some denial to cope with how they feel.
This kind of denial is harmful and is
fueled in part by the denial of the "False Memory Syndrome"
Foundation and other parts of society who would rather deny than face the
reality of child sexual abuse.
Dissociation,
DID, MPD, and Multiplicity
We all
dissociate to some extent or another. Babies do it quite regularly. It is a
natural physiological response to being overwhelmed. Children who are sexually
abused are extraordinarily overwhelmed. Dissociation allows the child to
literally take a break from the abuse, to distance her/himself from what is
going on, and ultimately to survive.
Some survivors
describe dissociation as feeling as though they were not really there during
the abuse, but were far away perhaps watching from a distance. Some survivors
describe it as they split off from the abuse, and floated up to the ceiling or
into a crack in the wall. Some survivors go really far away, deep inside
themselves, and create different personalities to deal with the abuse. Multiple
personalities are usually formed in the context of more extreme, frequent, or
sadistic abuse.
Dissociation
occurs on a continuum from the far left where someone is not present in the
moment and is off somewhere else, they may or may not feel spacey--everyone
does this at one time or another. Further along the continuum people feel
split, or like they are not one person inside, usually there is an adult and a
really vulnerable or hurt kid. Further along, survivors have a few dissociated
personalities.
Even further toward the right of the
continuum, people have many different personalities, identities, parts,
fragments, and/or different groups of parts inside. These personalities may or
may not have names. Survivors near the right end may not have fully formed
personalities, but lots of highly fragmented parts. At the far right end,
survivors lose time which they may or may not be aware of. They may find
themselves places, and not remember how they got there and have the experience
of living different "lives".
In addition to a continuum of
dissociation and multiplicity, there is a continuum of co-consciousness--the
degree to which parts inside are aware of each other, and communicate and
cooperate with one another. Achieving co-consciousness is an important step in
the healing process. For help responding to different parts inside and
developing internal cooperation see my article DID, MPD, or Multiplicity:
Responding to Parts Inside With a Focus on Kids.
Problems
with Boundaries
Because a survivor's boundaries were not respected--they were
utterly violated--s/he may have a lot of difficulty knowing where her/his
boundaries are, how to maintain them, and how to protect her/himself from those
who do not respect or try to violate her/his boundaries. This leaves many
survivors vulnerable to further abuse.
Trusting
Others
It can be very
difficult for a survivor to trust anyone. It can be even harder when that
person is close to them, and cares for them. Often the abuser was that--someone
who had a close and trusting relationship with them. Adult relationships,
particularly sexual ones, can be quite challenging and triggering for
survivors. At the same time, they can be a source of great love, safety, and
healing too.
Relationship
With One's Body
Since
the abuse took place on and in the body, the body can become the enemy. After
all many survivors' carry a great deal of pain and memories in their bodies.
Desperately needing ways to cope with
this pain can lead to a variety of coping strategies including eating
disorders, self-injurious behaviors, numbing, inability to enjoy sex, having
lots of sex, poor body image, a generalized separation from and disregard for
one's body, dissociation, and gender-identity issues.
Coping
Behaviors
There are a whole
range of behaviors that survivors may engage in that come from having been
sexually abused. They include: addictions, prostitution, isolation, frequent
sexual activity, avoidance of sex, over-working, inability to work,
high-functioning, low-functioning, argumentativeness, avoiding conflict,
perfectionistic, and wanting to please others.
All of these
behaviors were learned in response to abuse and served an important
purpose--staying sane and alive. It is important to not judge your or anyone
else's ways of coping--you're here because of them.
Other
effects
These may
include nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, flashbacks, anxiey attacks,
terror, inability to go outside, afraid being alone, afraid being with other
people, numerous trigger-responses, headaches, and physical problems (yeast
infections, bladder infections, anal bleeding, etc.)
A Final
Thought
Some of the most sensitive, intuitive,
deep, profound, and hopeful people I've ever known are incest or child sexual
abuse survivors. They were able to be that way by not losing touch with their
own humanity--their soulfulness--in the face of horror.
An Article for Survivors
Acknowledging
That You Were Sexually Abused
It can take a
long time for survivors to be able to say that they know for sure that they
were sexually abused. Acknowledging that the abuse happened is an important
step in healing from sexual abuse.
Many survivors waver on this issue for
years, even after they do acknowledge that they were abused. This is a natural
reaction and is quite self-protective, after all it is extremely painful to
acknowledge that a trusted adult betrayed and hurt you in this way. It inevitably
raises the question "if I wasn't safe with him/her, how can I be safe
anywhere?" That can be a overwhelming thought especially if you don't know
how to feel safer in the world.
Worrying
That You Can't Trust Your Memories
Some survivors
worry that maybe their mind is playing tricks on them, they imagined it, their
memories aren't real, and perhaps they made it all up. They think maybe they've
watched too much T.V., or read too many books on the subject, or they've
listened to too many survivors tell their stories. This is an understandable
worry, especially when there is a well-funded organization of people (whom
their children said sexually abused them) who state that recovered memories are
not accurate and are created by reading books, seeing therapists, and the like.
Not wanting to
believe that you or others were sexually abused as children is understandable
-- it's never been easy for the human race to acknowledge all kinds of horrors
committed by people, especially those committed in our own backyards. But, just
because it's not easy, and just because we don't or can't believe it, doesn't
mean it didn't happen.
Do People
Forget Traumatic Events?
A common worry
for survivors (again especially since the creation of the so-called False
Memory Syndrome Foundation) is whether or not they can trust their recovered
memories to be accurate. Recovered memories are memories that you didn't always
have, they emerge later in life often after being triggered by some event.
We know
with certainty that people forget traumatic events. Probably the best
examples are of people's experiences of wars and car
accidents. There are men who fought in wars who remember little of what
happened, yet there is no question that they were there and that the war
happened. Many people who survive serious car accidents do not remember the
accident. People forget overwhelming traumatic events.
Traumatic
Reactions Exist Even Without Memories
Many individuals develop trauma related
reactions, even when they have no memory of the incident. For example, many
people who have experienced serious car accidents and who do not remember the
accident have strong negative reactions to being in a car or driving by the
scene of the accident (even when they do not remember where the accident took
place.) Many war veterans who have little memory of the war will suddenly duck
when they hear a loud sound without understanding why.
Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder
These
reactions are called post-traumatic reactions -- also known as Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder. People will
often have post-traumatic reactions even when they have no memory of the trauma
itself. These reactions include:
intense fear
and terror; helplessness; re-experiencing the traumatic event, flashbacks,
flooding; avoiding situations that are associated with the traumatic event;
numbing, feelings of detachment or estrangement from others; hyper-vigilance;
nightmares; panic attacks, anxiety attacks; insomnia; irritability or outbursts
of anger; difficulty concentrating; exaggerated startle response; physiological
responses such as intense sweating, heart racing, trembling, shaking.
Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms May Develop After Memories Are
Recovered
It's possible
for someone to have no or few memories of sexual abuse, and to not have
post-traumatic symptoms or to have only mild symptoms. Sometimes, post-traumatic
symptoms don't develop until memories come back. This is why it is possible to
feel relatively unaffected by sexual abuse only to have post-traumatic
reactions emerge later when sexual abuse memories start emerging. Most often,
people can look back after remembering sexual abuse, and recognize ways in
which they had been affected by the abuse without having been aware of it at
the time.
To recap, we
know that people forget traumatic events. We know that even without memories of
the event, people have post-traumatic reactions even in relatively mild forms.
We also know that memories once forgotten can return. Again, this has been
documented with war veterans who initially forgot their war experiences and
then remembered them later usually via spontaneous flashbacks.
Are
Recovered Memories Accurate?
While all
memory, especially declarative memory -- the story or details of the event -- is
reconstructive (recreated over time) this does not diminish the truthfulness of
the memory itself. Sometimes because recovered memories can be hazy, it can be
hard to be sure of all the details. Sometimes, because of how memories are
categorized by our minds, it is possible to remember two different incidents as
having occurred at the same time. Again, just because this happens doesn't mean
that what happened isn't true, only that the events may not have happened in
that exact way.
A good analogy
is people are in a bank when a bank robbery occurs. They are frightened by the
robbers and their guns, and are afraid for their safety. After a robbery, it is
not uncommon for witnesses to contradict each other about the colour of the
robbers' clothing, even what race they were, and the total numbers of robbers
present.
But, no one is uncertain about the fact
that there was a robbery and that they were scared for their lives.
While no survivor can be certain that
every single detail of their memories of sexual abuse is precisely accurate, it
is possible to be confident that the crime of sexual abuse occurred, to know
who did it and to know approximately what age you were when it occurred.
Implicit
Memories Are the Most Accurate
In the robbery
example, witnesses were not only certain that they had witnessed a bank
robbery, but were intensely aware of how they felt during the robbery, and/or
after the robbery -- delayed reactions are quite common after traumatic events.
They felt afraid for their lives, their hearts raced, they felt panicked, and
experienced other similar reactions.
Trauma related reactions -- heart racing, sweating, fear,
trembling, depersonalization --and other physical and emotional responses are
known as implicit memories because they require no conscious memory of the
event to be experienced.
Remember the
example of the car accident survivor who got upset when she drove near the
scene of the accident that she had no memory of? That is implicit memory.
Implicit memories, unlike declarative memories, are much more reliable. For
example, people are far more likely to be accurate about the fact that they
smelled alcohol on their abuser's breath, and that they felt searing pain in or
on some part of their body than they are about what the abuser was wearing, or
what day it was.
Implicit
memories include all physical and emotional reactions -- body sensations,
smells, sounds, tastes, touch -- which do not require conscious memory of the
event itself. Implicit memories also include skills that do not require
conscious memory of having been learned in order to be performed.
An example of an implicit skill is
someone who, due to brain damage, cannot remember learning to play the piano
but can still play the piano. While I haven't seen this issue incorporated into
the trauma research, I think implicit learning might, at least partly explain
why some survivors repeat trauma related behaviors. By trauma related behaviors
I mean engaging in behaviors that were learned during abuse, for example
feeling like you are performing during sex, knowing how to perform certain sex
acts prior to your first sexual experience, getting involved with people who
are similar to your abusers and perhaps behaving toward them in ways that you
learned during abuse, and prostitution. These behaviors are known, are
implicit, to many survivors even without conscious memories of the abuse.
In summary,
the research on implicit memories tells us that our memories of smell, taste,
body sensations, emotions, and sounds -- none of which require thought or
conscious recall -- are the most accurate memories. Some of these ways of
remembering abuse have been called body memories and feel very real to people.
When survivors have body memories, it can feel as though you are back there
being abused again, feeling the physical and emotional pain vividly. That's how
real they are.
What We
Know About Traumatic Memories
We know that
people forget traumatic incidents. People have trauma related reactions without
any memory of what happened. Traumatic memories can emerge a long time after
the traumatic event took place, often so intensely it may feel as if it is
happening in the present. Recovered memories of sexual abuse are valid even if
all the details aren't precisely accurate. Implicit memories -- those of smell,
taste, sound, touch, body sensations and feelings -- are the most accurate,
much more accurate than declarative memories -- memories about the concrete
details.
You Can
Trust Your Memories
What all of this means is that you can
trust your inner knowledge, feelings, body memories, and visual memories to
tell you the truth. Perhaps not an accurate, detailed record of what happened,
but still the truth.
While
it's very painful to face sexual abuse, it can also be very liberating. Give
yourself the opportunity to feel better about yourself by believing in your own
memories.
You deserve to
believe in yourself.
An Article About Becoming More Comfortable With Sex
Many sexual
abuse survivors struggle to have positive and enjoyable sex lives. It can be
very hard to feel comfortable with and enjoy sex when you've been sexually
abused. Even people who haven't been sexually abused struggle to feel
comfortable with their sexuality and sex. This article may be helpful to anyone
who has issues with sexuality.
Many
Survivors Are Vulnerable to Further Abuse
For many
sexual abuse survivors, sex becomes linked with sexual abuse. As a result, some
survivors will mistake unsatisfying and unpleasurable sex, or even sexually
abusive behavior, for sex. This means that survivors can be vulnerable to being
further abused. As a survivor, this is not your fault. You may not know: that
you have the right to enjoy yourself sexually; what a mutually satisfying
sexual experience is; what you want sexually, and that those needs deserve
respect; and that you can say "no" and have that respected.
Abuse teaches the opposite - during
abuse, your needs don't matter; you have to cater to someone else's sexual
needs. Your sexual desires don't exist, and if they do exist they don't count.
And of course you have no power to stop the abuse.
Some survivors believe that's what sex is
- unenjoyable and abusive - or that that is how it is with a man, or with a
woman. They may also believe that's all they are good for, that they can't
expect anything better, and that if sex isn't enjoyable it's their fault or the
result of their own inadequacy - they are "damaged". These reactions
and beliefs are outcomes of abuse and need to be challenged - because they are
not true.
Sexual
Abuse Is Not Sex
One of the hardest things for abuse survivors to do is
separate sexual abuse from sex. I know you may know this intellectually, but
it's worth repeating many times - sexual abuse is not sex. Even if you liked
the attention, approached your abuser for attention, were aroused, or had an
orgasm, it's still not sex and you are not responsible.
Placing
responsibility on the abuser is one of the most important steps in separating
the sexual abuse from your sexuality and sex life. That may involve feeling
anger at your abuser, holding him/her responsible (in your own mind), grieving
your victimization and powerlessness, and reassuring the hurt child inside you
that it wasn't her/his fault.
Sexual
Abuse Becomes the Model For Sex
Sexual abuse
is often the child's first introduction to sex. Children are too young to
understand what sex is so it's not surprising that many abused children mistake
abuse for sex. After all, it does involve sexual contact, sexual body parts,
and sexual stimulation. Sadly, sexual abuse becomes the child's model for
future sex.
It is crucial to find ways to separate your sexuality and
sex from sexual abuse, and to create an entirely new association with sex - one
that is positive, safe, and fun.
You may need to discover your own
sexuality - what it means to you, what you enjoy, and what gives you pleasure.
It helps to develop a sexual relationship with yourself including
self-pleasuring and discovering how you like to talk, move, dance, or interact
with others when you're in touch with your sexual feelings.
You may want
to fantasize or read about sex, view erotica,and talk about sex with your
friends or partner. If you have a partner try to be playful about sex - cuddle,
massage each other, talk about fantasies, and ask for what you want sexually.
Sex can be playful, fun, and safe.
The Myth
That Sexual Abuse Causes Survivors' Sexual Orientation
Because
same-sex abuse is considered to be the same as lesbian and gay sex, many people
believe that same-sex abuse causes survivors to be gay. On the flip side, when
a survivor has been abused by a member of the other sex and the survivor
identifies as gay, it's assumed that that, too, is the result of abuse. This
can cause a lesbian or gay sexual abuse survivor to question her/his sexual
identity. Many heterosexual survivors also struggle with questions about their
sexuality because of the confusion and negative associations about sex that are
created by sexual abuse.
It might help to try and remember if you
had any sense of your sexual desires prior to the abuse. What gender(s) were
you attracted to then? If you can't remember or you were abused very young, you
may need to start paying attention to who you are attracted to now, who you
feel most comfortable with emotionally and sexually, and who you fantasize
about. You may need to see or read about positive images of lesbian, gay,
bisexual, or heterosexual sex to help you discover what feels right for you.
The challenge is to find ways to connect deep inside
yourself and unearth your own truth - your own sexual desires, fantasies,
passion, and emotional and sexual attractions. Working on separating the abuse
from your sexuality will help clear some of the confusion. If you are gay and
fear that your sexual orientation was caused by the abuse, you may want to
learn more about gay sexuality from a positive perspective - for example read
some gay-positive books, look at lesbian and gay websites, and talk to a gay help line or a gay-positive therapist.
When You
Don't Feel Safe With Sex
Sexual abuse
robs survivors of their ability to feel safe in the world and with themselves.
Internal safety is the extent to which you feel safe when the situation you are
in is safe. Many survivors feel unsafe even when the person they are with or
the situation they are in is safe. There is a difference between feeling safe
and being safe. The first is a feeling and is affected by your past experiences
with safety or lack of safety. The second is an actual fact about whether or
not the people you are with or the situation you are in is safe.
It's so important for survivors to develop a sense of safety
(internal safety) as well as to have ways to identify whether or not people and
situations are safe (external safety). Both internal and external safety are
needed for enjoyable consensual sex.
Without internal safety, sex can feel
very scary and triggering. Without external safety, the sex will not be safe,
consensual, or pleasurable.
Some ways
to develop internal safety:
" Create
a safe place for yourself inside your home - a comfortable place that you can
call your own. No one should go into this space without your permission, it is
yours.
" Imagine what an ideal safe place
would look like. It doesn't have to be reality based, you can create a fantasy
safe place. Really let your imagination go with this; you can imagine anything
you want. What would be there? What would you see, hear, smell, and be able to
touch? How would you feel in this safe place? Spend time with this imaginary
safe place on a regular basis to strengthen your internal experience of safety.
Some ways
to develop external safety:
"
Explore
your definition of external safety. What does it mean for a person or a
situation to be safe? How do you know when you are safe? How do you know when
people or situations are not safe? What contributes to your feeling safe, and
what interferes with your ability to feel safe? What are your internal signs
that tell you when someone or a situation is not safe?
"
Identify what helps you to feel safe with a
sexual partner. Do you need to talk during sex? Do you need to talk about
issues before having sex? Do you need to
When Trust
Is an Issue
Because sexual abuse is such a major
violation of trust, many survivors have difficulty trusting their own
perceptions and trusting other people. Building trust in yourself -knowing and
trusting your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, intuition, and perceptions - is
crucial, and will help you to know who you can trust.
Without a
minimum of trust, sex is scary, unsafe, and unenjoyable. Different people
require different amounts of trust in order to enjoy sex. Some survivors
require a great deal of trust, and must know the person they are going to have
sex with a long time before they feel comfortable to have sex. Others do not
require as much trust to enjoy themselves sexually. Both are okay; it's just
important to know your own boundaries and to respect them.
Developing
internal trust means becoming aware of and respectful of your own feelings,
physical sensations, intuition, thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions - or in
other words, your own reality. They are your guides and can be relied upon. At
the same, it's important to know the difference between what you have learned
to be drawn to or are comfortable with because of its association with the
abuse, and what is coming from a deeper, wiser place from within you. Exploring
these issues in more depth will help you to make those distinctions.
Building a
Comfort Level With Intimacy
For many
survivors being intimate - emotionally or sexually - can be very scary.
Many survivors dissociate from intimacy, yet they crave the
closeness at the same time. Fear of intimacy is often rooted in fear of being
vulnerable with another person and of being hurt by them.
Some
suggestions to build a comfort level with intimacy:
"
Take
little steps whenever you can to increase your intimacy with someone you trust
and are safe with. This could mean sharing something personal, talking about
your feelings, touching them, asking for a hug, holding eye contact, inviting
them out, calling a friend, reaching out when you are upset, or staying present
for as long as you can in their presence.
"
During
sex, take it slow, stop when you need to, and breathe in and feel
Hold eye contact. Touch your partner.
Stay connected with your partner. Talk about how you are feeling.
Being In
Your Body
Because sexual
abuse is an invasion and an attack on the body, many survivors feel cut off or
distant from their bodies. They may view their bodies as being responsible for
the abuse, or at very least intimately linked with the abuse. This negative
association between your body and the abuse needs to be broken. Your body
doesn't deserve to be thought of this way.
Many survivors
hate their bodies, and feel betrayed by their body's response during abuse.
Some survivors refer to their body as "the body", distancing
themselves from their bodies in order to not feel pain.
Being in touch
with and living in your body is key to enjoying your sexuality and sex. But
often that means going through a lot of body and emotional pain first. This
happens because our bodies hold tension and feelings from the abuse as well as
our responses to the abuse. This tension needs to be released so that you can
feel your sexual feelings and enjoy them.
Some ways
to become more in touch with or connected to your body:
"
Breathing
exercises. For example, close your eyes, and focus your awareness on the
natural rhythm of your breath as it moves in and out of your body. If you get
distracted, keep bringing your focus back to your breath.
"
Body
awareness exercises. For example lie down and become aware of what you notice
in different areas of your body, such as tension, feelings, associations,
visual images, and memories.
"
Relaxation
exercises. For example, lie down and tense up one area of your body, holding
your breath at the same time. Hold your breath for the count of ten, then let
your breath and tension go. Continue like this with all areas of your body.
"
Notice how you feel in your body when you are
feeling sexual. This includes different kinds of sexual feelings - for example,
when you feel attracted to someone, when you feel sensual, when you are aware
of yourself as a sexual being, when you are sexually aroused, and when
different areas of your body are sexually aroused. Breathe into those feelings
and areas of your body. Spend time with those feelings on your own and with a
partner. Learn to ride the waves of all your feelings, including sexual feelings.
Dealing
With Triggers During Sex
Survivors are
often triggered during sex or while anticipating sex because of its association
with abuse. Working on separating the sexual abuse from your body and your
sexuality will help you to become less triggered by sex. Focusing on being
present in your body and in your immediate environment will also help you to
remained rooted in the present.
Some
suggestions for dealing with triggers during sex:
Identify that
you are triggered. If you feel any of the following feelings during sex and
it's not related to how your partner is treating you then you are probably
triggered: scared, numb, dissociated, dirty, ashamed, ugly, self-hating,
panicky, and very anxious.
Know that when
you are triggered, you have a choice. You can decide to put the feelings or
memories aside to be dealt with later, or you can deal with them at the time.
Sometimes this doesn't feel like a choice, but there are ways to contain, separate
from, and manage triggers so that you can put them aside and deal with them
later. Ways to separate include self-talk, reminding yourself where you are and
who you are with, letting yourself know that you are safe, asking for a safe
hug, and doing whatever you need to do to feel present again. For instance, you
can visualize placing the trigger away for another time by creating an image
that represents the abuse and visualize putting that image in a safe place
until you are ready to deal with it. You can talk about the trigger and then
tell yourself that you want to put it aside for now and be in the present. You
can focus on the present moment by looking around the room, noticing what you
see, smell, hear, and touch.
You may choose to go into the trigger by being aware of how you
feel, and what you see, hear, smell, and remember. You can let yourself go
through the natural rhythm of the trigger. As with any feeling, triggers have
their own rhythm of increasing feeling and tension, and then subsiding and
decreasing in intensity.
It may be enough to acknowledge to
yourself and/or your partner that you are triggered, and what it's connected to
if you know, and then return to the present moment.
If a certain sexual act
triggers you, a good guideline for minimizing the effect of that trigger is to
approach the sexual act gently and slowly for a short period of time, and then
stop for a while or completely, and come back to it later. Each time spend a
Taking
Charge of Your Own Sexual Enjoyment
Many survivors
wait for others to initiate sexual contact with them or to ask them out on a
date. They may fear initiating sexual contact or contact that could potentially
become sexual. There are many reasons for this; you will need to discover your
own. Some common reasons include: a fear of behaving like the abuser or being
seen as behaving like a perpetrator; a fear of being rejected and vulnerable; a
fear of standing out, being noticed, or being the center of attention; and a
fear of being seen as sexually unattractive, undesirable, or unlovable.
Knowing why
you are afraid to initiate sexual contact or to ask someone out on a date can
help decrease that fear. Working on your specific issues. For example, finding
ways to feel better about yourself, your body, your sexuality, and your
attractiveness and lovableness. You might want to set small attainable goals
such as asking someone out to a movie without having to worry about initiating
sex. You could practice touching people in a friendly, casual fashion - not
just people you are attracted to, but rather working your way up to that. Role
play asking someone out or initiating sex. This can help prepare you and give
you the words you're searching for. Just talking about the problem with someone
can help, too.
Many survivors
feel they must accept whatever their partner does to them sexually, rather than
take an active role in their sexual enjoyment. Knowing what you want, what
turns you on, and asking for that is crucial to your sexual enjoyment. Only you
can really know what feels good and exciting to you.
Many survivors
have to overcome a great deal of shame and guilt about their sexuality and
their bodies in order to feel comfortable asserting their sexual needs and
desires. Most survivors have learned to do the opposite; they've learned to
endure, be quiet, please others, and to not be powerful by asking for what they
need.
You can become
more assertive by discovering with yourself what you enjoy, talking with your
partner about it, starting to ask for what you want in other areas of your
life, and gradually asking for something that you want sexually. Some survivors
find it easier to hold their partner's hand and guide them rather than talk
about what they want. Some like to show their partner how they like it by doing
it themselves in front of their partner, and then letting their partner take
over. Whatever works for you is just fine.
Sexual
Healing Is Possible
The key is to break the association between your sexuality
and the sexual abuse, and to create a new experience - one that is safe, fun,
and pleasurable - for yourself as a sexual person. You don't need a partner to
do this, although eventually you may want to include someone in your sexual
journey. At times, it may feel like it's taking a long time, but try not to get
discouraged. Being patient and compassionate with yourself will help your
sexual healing.
Sexual abuse
perpetrated by mothers on their daughters is an uncomfortable subject for many
people. It defies everything we believe, or want to believe, about women and
mothers. Most people don't want to believe that female perpetrators of sexual
abuse exist, and certainly don't want to believe that a mother could sexually
abuse her own children.
Sexist
Views About Women and Mothers
Most of us are
raised to view women as being very different than men - to view them almost as
opposites. Some people can't even imagine women doing the same things that men
do, or being anything like men. Even when cultures view women to be strong,
capable, and competent most continue to view women as inherently different than
men because of their child-bearing abilities. Many character traits are
presumed to be true about women because of their ability to bear children -
women are believed to be more caring, sensitive, nurturing, and maternal than
men. The reality that there are female perpetrators of sexual abuse,
particularly mothers, is a fact that many people are not willing to believe.
Heterosexist
Views Of Women and Mothers
This view of mothers, and even of all women, runs very deep in
most cultures, and is linked with another assumption - that all women (and
particularly mothers) are heterosexual.
Heterosexism
and Homophobia
Sexual abuse has nothing to do with the
perpetrator's sexuality or sexual identity; most abusers identify as
heterosexual. Sexual abuse is not sex. Yet because of homophobia, same-sex
sexual abuse is linked in most people's minds with lesbian or gay sex. How
often do we see in the newspapers exclaiming "lesbian sex abuser" but
not "heterosexual sex abuser?" It is an ingrained presumption.
This
presumption is important to examine for many reasons. That the perpetrator is
perceived to be lesbian fuels many people's denial. Mothers can't be lesbian,
the thinking goes, therefore the abuse couldn't have happened. On the other
hand, some people may be more likely to believe that the abuse happened,
precisely because they perceive the perpetrator to be lesbian. It confirms
their belief that lesbians are child molestors. When this occurs people are far
more outraged than they are with
How People
View Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse
People tend to
feel far more conflicted and confused about mother-daughter sexual abuse - or
female perpetrators generally - than they are about father-daughter sexual
abuse (or male perpetrators). People respond with outright denial: "A
mother wouldn't do that sort of thing." Others minimize the abuse:
"How bad could it be? The abuser was a woman; she was probably
gentle." And still others vilify female perpetrators, viewing them as
worse than male perpetrators because they are women or mothers.
Some
people try to explain away the behavior of female perpetrators by pointing to
the history of sexual abuse that they have undergone. Having been sexual abused
is one factor that can contribute to a mother abusing her own daughter (although
there are plenty of survivors who do not sexually abuse children) - and it is
possibly one of the more important factors that might lead female perpetrators
to sexually abuse their children because they, unlike men, aren't socially
conditioned to be sexually aggressive, or to sexualize children. However, this
argument should not be used to minimize the responsibility of female
perpetrators nor the devastating effects of this form of abuse.
It is not
uncommon when female perpetrators are discussed, the tone is often distinctly
softer and more sympathetic than when male perpetrators are discussed. This
misplaced sexist sympathy for female perpetrators minimizes the effects of the
abuse that a survivor went through and denies a survivor's reality of the
trauma. In addition, when survivors are aware of this attitude, and many are,
it can make it even harder for them to take their own abuse, and the effects of
that abuse seriously.
Survivors
of Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse
Imagine how a
survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse feels, when the general population who
has not undergone this trauma feels this confused and conflicted about it.
Survivors tend to be very confused and conflicted about the abuse and their
mothers, especially when, as usually is the case, their mothers were their
primary care givers. They may have a lot invested in not acknowledging that the
abuse happened - both because of their own beliefs about mothers (nevermind the
emotional trauma of acknowledging the abuse), and because of the often rigid
assumptions made by others about mothers.
When
survivors of mother-daughter incest are able to acknowledge the abuse
they experienced,
they often believe that there must be something terribly wrong or bad about
them. "How could my own mother sexually abuse me?" This belief that
they are bad comes from the myth that mothers are intrinsically caring and
loving. If all mothers are loving to their children, the thinking goes, then
there must be something really bad about the child whose mother abused them. It
makes sense that a child would think this way, especially in a context loaded
with societal myths about mothers. It's easier for a child to believe that the
abuse is her fault than to admit that the person who was supposed to love and
protect her actually harmed her. Sadly, this way of thinking is carried into
adulthood by many survivors, and it hurts them a great deal.
That Which
Has No Name
It is very difficult for even
survivors themselves to acknowledge that they were abused by their mothers
because of the sexist beliefs many of us hold about women, and particularly
mothers. It can be a great struggle to label their experience as abuse.
Survivors may not have words to describe what happened; they
may not know what to call it. They may fear that the incest was lesbian sex;
something "dirty" - not to be talked about or admitted. They may be
afraid of being perceived as lesbian, or afraid that the abuse makes them
lesbian. Survivors who are lesbian may fear that their sexuality was caused by
the abuse.
It is also
difficult for survivors to acknowledge their abuse because there are very few
places that survivors can hear or read about mother-daughter incest, or even
about female perpetrators. Sexual abuse and incest have become almost
synonymous with male sexual abuse of females and father-daughter incest. It is
within this vacuum that survivors of mother-daughter incest struggle to make
sense of and understand their experience.
Homophobic
Beliefs - One Effect of The Abuse
Many people
confuse same-sex sexual abuse with lesbian sex, thinking that the perpetrator
and even the victim is lesbian, or was made lesbian by the abuse. None of this
is true. Yet these myths continue to exist, and they confuse and haunt many
survivors who live in fear and shame that they really are lesbian when they
aren't, or that their lesbian sexuality was caused by the abuse.
Being abused
by her mother does not make a survivor a lesbian. Even if the survivor's body
physiologically responded to the sexual stimulation, this has nothing to do
with sexuality. It is the body's natural physiological response to stimulation,
and has nothing to do with the survivor's own sexual desires, or even consent.
Sexual abuse effects a survivor's comfort level with and responses to being a
sexual person, but it does not cause her sexuality.
Identifying
With Mother Perpetrators
Even when
survivors acknowledge that they were sexually abused by their mothers, they
often srongly identify with their mothers. Just both of them being female in a
sexist society can lead to identification with the mother. This identification
with the perpetrator can make it more difficult for survivors to separate
themselves, emotionally and otherwise, from their abuser.
Many daughters
look to their mothers as a mirror for their future lives. Survivors of
mother-daughter sexual abuse often see their future as a woman and mother as
dismal. Many adult survivors painfully worry that they will sexually abuse
children, that they are unsafe around children, or that they are potential
perpetrators - just like their mothers. This may lead survivors to feel that
they are untrustworthy, thus many survivors are reluctant to have children of
their own (although the choice to not have children can be a perfectly healthy
choice on its own.)
Are They
Victims Or Are They Abusers?
Daughters, and thus many survivors, often
look to their mother's experiences (in the home and with their fathers) as
their future, and identify with their mother's situation. If their mother is in
an upsetting situation, survivors will often feel empathy for their mothers,
and want to help them. This is heightened for survivors whose mothers turn to
them for support.
If the
perpetrator views herself as a victim of circumstances, or is a victim of her
husband, the survivor often feels sorry for her and fears losing her. This
dynamic makes it very hard for the daughter to see her mother as an abuser.
Many of us tend to see people in extreme categories - either victim or abuser.
For children, this either-or-thinking is the norm, but for survivors it often
remains with them and becomes entrenched. The truth is that people can be both
- victims in one context, and abusers in another.
"I
Feel Like I Am My Mother"
The more a survivor identifies with her mother, the harder
it is to separate her identity from her abuser - a crucial step in healing.
Many survivors of mother-daughter incest report looking in the mirror and
seeing their mothers, and hating themselves for it. When they see their own
body naked (which they may avoid doing), many survivors
The feelings of shame and self-hatred
that survivors can have may lead to their feeling uncomfortable with and/or
hatred toward women and lesbians; inadequate and bad about themselves; confused
and ashamed about being women; uncomfortable with their sexuality; engaging in
self-injurious behavior (particularly in the genital and breast area);
developing an eating disorder; experiencing body shame; and having difficulties
in relationships, particularly with other women.
It is crucial
for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse to create boundaries with their
mothers (physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual); to re-claim their
bodies as their own, and to truly know the differences between themselves and
their mothers.
Longing for
a Mother's Love
Mother-daughter
sexual abuse wounds survivors' hearts and souls. Their mothers were often their
only care-givers and the only source of much-needed care. When this care is
mixed with sexual abuse, the effects are devastating. This mixture of
nurturance (if there was any) and sexual abuse may have been all the parenting
a survivor received. Often the father was absent or simply did not take an
active role in parenting. This mixture of caring and sexual abuse leaves
survivors with an unpleasant, and often sickening or repulsive feeling. On the
one hand, the survivor desperately needed to be loved, held, kissed, and
nurtured, but when that nurturance comes with such a high price, it is
devastating to the child's psyche. Even nurturance that is offered separate from
the sexual abuse becomes hard to trust or to take in freely and openly.
This leaves many survivors feeling a
desperate need for love, and at the same time, highly conflicted about that
need, and wary of those, particularly women who offer support.
Summary of
the Effects of Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse
While
survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse experience many of the same effects
as other incest and sexual abuse survivors, they tend to have heightened
difficulties with:
" Naming
their experience as abuse . This is particularly true in light of the myth
that women do not sexually abuse children.
"
Identity. Many survivors have difficulty knowing
that they are separate from and different than their perpetrators.
"
Boundaries. Many survivors have difficulty
maintaining their boundaries, especially with other women. They may be
overly flexible or overly rigid.
"
Self-blame. This is particularly true in light of
the fact that they were abused by their mothers who are mythologized as
all loving and caring.
"
Gender
identity. Many survivors
do not want to be a woman, have trouble identifying as women, or do not
like what they perceive women to be, because the abuser was a woman.
"
Gender
shame. Many survivors
feel great shame about being a woman because of their identification
with the perpetrator.
"
Body shame.
Survivors often feel great shame about their bodies, particularly their
bodies' womanliness, because the perpetrator had a woman's body.
"
Homophobic
fears about one's actual or perceived sexuality. Survivors are often very
confused about the differences between sexual abuse and lesbian sexuality, and
may believe the myth that abuse causes a survivor's sexuality.
"
Longing
to be loved. Survivors
frequently have a profound need to be loved in the way that they were
not as a child, and they may fear or be unable to accept it, particularly from
other women.
Final
Thoughts
Abuse is never pleasant. However,
mother-daughter sexual abuse seems to provoke particularily strong reactions in
people, even those working in the area of trauma. Sometimes, when
mother-daughter sexual abuse is acknowledged, people feel the need to say that
it doesn't happen as frequently as father-daughter sexual abuse, or that women
aren't as violent as men. Even if those things are true, it is not helpful
information when listening to and understanding women who have been sexually
abused by their mothers (or other women). If we want to create a safe
environment for women to speak about their experiences, we need to talk and
write about the fact that women and mothers do sexually abuse children. Only in
that environment will survivors be truly free to tell their stories and heal
themselves.
Remember
growing up and hearing the word "pervert"? Nobody wanted anything to
do with them--they were the "sick and demented" people whom everyone
despised.
And yet the
word "pervert" is used both for people who sexually abuse children,
as well as lesbians and gay men. By very definition lesbians and gay men are
considered child molesters.
Newspapers
draw connections between the sexual abuse of children and gay sex all the time.
When a mainstream newspaper covers a story of men sexually abusing boys, it is
referred to as homosexual abuse of children. Yet, when the same newspaper
covers stories of men sexually abusing girls, it is not described as
heterosexual abuse. Male-to-male child sexual abuse is equated with gay sex
when there is nothing gay about it.
Victims of
Sexual Abuse are Assumed to be Gay
Since male-to-male sexual abuse is
believed to be the equivalent of gay sex, the victim is also believed to be
gay. Some survivors are even called "fags" by the men who abuse them.
Others don't tell anyone about the abuse because they know that they'll be blamed
and taunted with homophobic slurs. One survivor told me that after he went
public about being a survivor, he was in a store holding hands with his
girlfriend and someone said,"I thought he'd be a fag".
The Myth of
the All-Powerful Man
A common myth
many people hold is that men cannot be victims. The thinking goes, "He's a
guy...he could have stopped it if he really wanted to." It's assumed that
the survivor must have consented because sexual abuse does not happen to
"real" men, and thus since he must have consented, he must be gay.
Add to this the common, but mistaken belief that boys and men cannot become
erect or ejaculate unless they are aroused or consent, and we have a powerful
and pervasive belief system that keeps male survivors silent and ashamed.
The Myth
that Sexual Abuse Causes You to be Gay
Even when survivors identify as straight, they are not
believed because of another homophobic myth that sexual abuse
"causes" homosexuality. There is no evidence that suggests abuse
causes one's sexuality. Our sexuality is far too complex.
If anything,
we live in a society that tries to ensure that everyone is straight, and this
While it is
true that survivors of abuse, like anyone else, can engage in sexual behaviours
that they may not desire, but engage in for very a variety of reasons, this is
equally true for heterosexual and homosexual sex. In other words, someone can
engage in gay acts and not be gay, just as someone can engage in straight acts
and not be straight.
"Is
This What it Means to be Gay?"
Most often abusers hold positions of
authority and are known and trusted by their victims. This has a powerful
effect on the victims. Because the child respects the abuser, or the abuser is
an authority figure (for example, an older brother, father or coach), the child
tells himself that the abuse must be okay-perhaps even normal. And, if it's
okay, the child reasons, and since it involves sexual acts, then it must be
sex. The child may ask himself, "Is this what it means to be gay?"
This association is extremely harmful to survivors-both gay and straight.
How do
These Myths Impact on Abused Men?
The very
nature of sexual abuse and incest, and its associated stigma causes
humiliation, shame, self-blame, fear, and secrecy for survivors. It can be hard
for them to speak openly about their experiences. Survivors of male-to-male
sexual abuse have to contend with the additional stigma and impact of
homophobia, which increases their shame, isolation, and secrecy.
Equating the
abuse with gay sex leaves most survivors confused and conflicted about their
sexuality. If they identify as straight, they may experience homophobic fear
and panic that maybe they really aren't. They may take desperate measures to
prove to themselves that they aren't gay. Some men may behave in a really macho
way, for example, have sex with a number of women, try to get a woman pregnant,
or harass gay men. They may in fact be gay, but the thought of being the same
as their abuser stops them from coming out, or from feeling comfortable with their
gay sexuality.
It's not
uncommon for survivors of abuse to blame themselves, but men blame themselves
for different reasons than women. Men often believe, and quite strongly, that
they "let it happen" simply because they are men. Men are supposed to
be all powerful--never victims--even when they are children. This places an
incredible burden on boys and men, often leaving them feeling guilty, ashamed,
depressed, self-hating, and conflicted about their gender and sexuality.
If the survivor got an erection or climaxed during the abuse, his
self-blame and confusion may be even more extreme. Even though these are normal
physiological responses to stimulation and/or fear, and do not indicate consent
or desire, the child doesn't know this. Adults often don't know it either. To
the child, getting an erection or climaxing may feel like one more indication
that he "let it happen," or "proof" that he enjoyed it,
engulfing him in even more shame, confusion, conflict about his sexuality, and
anger toward himself and his body.
How does
Sexual Abuse and Homophobia Effect Gay Men?
Both sexual abuse and homophobia have a
profound impact on gay men's ability to feel comfortable with themselves, their
bodies, their sexuality, and their sexual relationships. If sexual abuse is a
gay man's framework for understanding what it is to be gay, being gay may be
viewed as something profoundly shameful and dirty; and something that needs to
be hidden, like a dreadful secret. This association with the abuse, in addition
to the homophobia that lesbians and gays routinely face, makes it particularly
hard for gay survivors to feel comfortable with themselves, their bodies, their
sexuality and coming out. Gay survivors can feel like their sexuality is as
shameful as their abuse was, and may have a hard time separating the two. They
may feel like they are abusers, feeling as though they are guilty too, or they
may worry that all gay men are abusive.
If a
survivor's understanding of what it means to be gay is derived from having been
sexually abused by older men, a survivor may express his sexuality through
anonymous sex with older men. Of course, this can be a choice apart from abuse,
but it can also be a replaying of something familiar and unresolved. In
addition, given the likelihood that the survivor was abused by someone that he
knew and trusted, it may feel easier, or safer, to have sex with someone he
doesn't know or trust.
The gay
survivor may worry, "Am I gay because of the abuse?" In my
experience, this question reflects how badly he feels about himself and his
sexuality, and the question is a result of the combined effects of sexual abuse
and homophobia.
Survivors
often feel shameful, "bad" and "dirty," and believe they
are "damaged goods."
In a homophobic context, this shame
extends to being gay. Straight survivors may feel dirty about themselves and
having sex, but they do not feel dirty about being straight. A gay survivor who
sees a causal relationship between the abuse and his sexuality is likely to
experience a lot of conflict about being gay, and may end up resigning himself
to being gay. He doesn't feel good about the abuse, so how can he feel good
about something he believes is caused by the abuse?
If he's
fortunate, he is able to distinguish between sexual abuse and being gay.
But even if he is comfortable with being
gay, he may struggle to let himself enjoy being sexual and close with another
man. Having sex with a man can bring up frightening feelings and memories. He
may feel like he is back there again with the man (or men)
During sex, he may find himself behaving
or responding in similar ways to the way he behaved or was forced to behave
when he was abused. He may try to please his partner with little or no regard
for his own pleasure. He may feel like he's performing, even though he doesn't
want to. He may place himself in situations where he doesn't have enough
control because that's what he knows. Or, he may need a lot of control during
sex because he didn't have any when he was abused. And although he may crave
emotional and physical closeness, he may avoid them for fear of being hurt or
betrayed again. On a deep level, he may not feel safe with or trust men which
makes it very difficult for him to have meaningful relationships, or to feel
proud of being gay.
Clearly there
is a profound difference between sexual abuse and being gay--one connotes control
over a child, coercion, force, exploitation, and abuse, and the other connotes
sexual freedom, free choice, romance, and love. Unfortunately, gay survivors
may have a hard time feeling this difference and may struggle to come out,
accept themselves, trust other men, have sex, or be in a relationship.
We Need to
Support Survivors
Homophobia and
myths about men silence male sexual abuse survivors. Sometimes even the gay
community hesitates to talk about it, for fear that it will be used against us
(to promote the myth that gay men are child molesters). While most men who
sexually abuse boys identify as heterosexual, sexual abuse is not about
someone's sexuality or sexual identity. Child sexual abuse is about power and
domination; the sexual component is a weapon. We need to separate abuse from
sex, acknowledge that men are sexually abused, and take a stand on this serious
problem. Whether we like it or not, it's an issue that many men have to face.
They shouldn't have to face it alone.
Responding to Parts Inside With a Focus on the Kids
Having parts
inside can be challenging, but it can also be inspiring and wonderful! Getting
to know your parts inside and fostering some kind of internal communication
with them can help you feel better overall.
Why Do
People Create Parts?
The human body and mind is unable to cope
with overwhelming pain--emotional, mental, and physical--and so provides us
with a number of avenues to escape pain. Numbing, splitting off, becoming
unconscious, going into shock, and dissociating are all examples of the body's
way of helping us survive unbearable pain.
When emotional pain and trauma get too intense, you must find
other ways to cope. Creating parts allows survivors of trauma to survive events
that they could not bear otherwise.
Why Should
I Get To Know Parts Inside?
It is
important to get to know parts inside because they are a part of you and they
effect how you are, how you feel, and how you act. Getting to know parts inside
can also enrich your life. You may find yourself seeing things from a different
point of view , or gaining insights into reasons for your or parts' reactions.
Parts inside hold your history, your experiences, and some of your emotions and
thus they are a vital part of you and shouldn't be ignored -- to ignore them is
to ignore yourself.
How Do I
Get To Know Parts Inside Better?
Some people
are visual and see parts inside. Some hear voices, or just know or sense that
there are others inside.
If you are
visual, see if you can let yourself look around inside. Some people do this
with their eyes closed, some like to keep them open. You could draw or write
out what you see.
If you hear
things, write down what you hear. Try putting different voices into different
categories or lists that make sense to you.
If you
sense parts inside, what do you sense or know about them? Try writing it
Sometimes
there are parts inside who know all or most of everyone else inside.
These parts are often willing to tell you about the others
if you ask them. Take your time at this. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, you
can stop and take a break. Going slowly and gently is very important. You've
been pushed enough in your life; there's no need to do that now.
If you
approach your internal world with a spirit of openness and curiosity, and take
it as slowly as you need to, you may find that you enjoy learning about
yourself. It can be very validating. You may find that you begin to understand
why you've felt a certain way, or why you've had certain needs. You may
discover your own inner playfulness and joy.
Learning
More About Your Internal World
After you've
met or been told about various parts inside, you may want to find out more
about them -- what they like, think, feel, want, and so on. Some parts are very
unique and have very specific jobs or ways of being. Other parts are more like
fragments and are less definable. Some function by themselves, others may be
part of a group(s). Everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong way
to be. You don't have to be like the multiples in movies or books. You can just
be yourself.
What Do You
and Your Parts Need?
At some point
it can help to find out what parts inside need, besides your respect and
compassion. For instance, kids probably need a place to play and someone to hug
them. Upset or worried parts may need reassurance, angry parts may want a place
to be angry, and any part may want to wear certain clothes that feel more like
them (though where and when they are worn should be negoiated). Parts inside
may need to feel their feelings, and to hear from you that is a good thing to
do. They may need to cry, scream, or stomp around. You'll feel better if you
let parts do what they need to do (within reason, and always keeping yourself
and others safe).
It may feel like a loss of control to let parts do what they
want, especially for someone who has prided themselves in having control or who
has kept a lid on parts.
You may need time to get used to the
idea, and to talk about it with a therapist or supportive friends. Don't forget
to start small. For instance, if you're uncomfortable with kids, you can always
start by letting a kid play inside first, and then let a kid out only part way
while you stay in control and see how you feel. Going slow is really okay; no
one likes to be overwhelmed.
Kid
parts, just like other parts inside, are created, first and foremost, to keep
you
alive.
Kid parts inside made it possible for you
to keep aspects of yourself that an abuser (or abusers) probably tried to
destroy -- such as your ability to feel, dream, and hope -- and kids hold on to
creativity, playfulness, curiosity, awe, and gentleness so that you could still
have those things when you were safe.
What
Happens When You Don't Listen To Kids Inside?
Kids can bring
joy and happiness, as well as sadness, fear, and anger. Any of these feelings
can be hard to deal with, especially if it hasn't been safe to feel them in the
past. When it hasn't been safe to feel good or proud of yourself, to explore
and question what you see and hear, to laugh and giggle out loud, to stomp
about loudly when you're mad, or to cry without shame (all of which are healthy
and natural) it can be hard to know what to do with those feelings when they
come up. Some people feel ashamed or embarrassed, and try to hold those
feelings in.
That isn't good for anyone to do, but when feelings are held by
kids (as they frequently are) it means that the kids are stuffed down and
silenced, and that hurts them. They'll start to feel bad about themselves, and
rejected, hurt, sad, and mad.
When this
happens, older parts, adult parts, or main parts also feel those feelings, but
they may not be aware that they are because they pushed the kids away. That is
one reason why it's so important to create a space for everyone inside.
Letting Kid
Parts Out
This is where the challenge comes in. How do you create
space for kids when you work, go to school, have a partner or a roommate, and
are just plain scared?
Everyone needs
to find their own way to let kid parts out -- but sometimes knowing what other
people have done can help. However you go about it, it's a good idea to take it
slow and gentle. No one likes to feel pressured -- so take little steps, one at
a time. You may need to get used to what it's like having kids inside, before
you let them come out in your body and play; that's okay. You'll probably also
need support from someone, and to be able to talk about how it feels to you.
Being small can feel scary, especially when it wasn't safe to be small when you
were a child. You may need reminders from yourself or someone else that it is
different now. You have your own living space, no one is hurting you anymore,
no one can control you, and so it's okay now to let your kids out and be small
and silly if that's what they want to do.
Some people say they could never do kid
things because they would feel silly, or their partner or roommate wouldn't understand.
If you feel uncomfortable letting your kid parts out to play, see if you can
remember times as a child that you did kid things or received what all kids
need -- such as being held, reassured, read to and nurtured. Were you taken
care of in a loving way as a child? Were you reassured and rocked when you were
scared? Was an adult there for you in a safe and real way after you were
abused? If you answer "no" to any of these questions, then you didn't
get what you needed, and parts of you still need them.
Abused children need even more
reassurance and love than children who weren't abused. So even if you got a
little of what you needed it probably wasn't enough. Perhaps, you could think
about it as giving yourself things you needed as a child but never received.
Allowing you kid parts to play and receive comfort will help you to feel better
about yourself, and eventually, happier.
Talking to
Partners or Friends About Kids Inside
When you feel
more confident that taking care of your kids and letting them out to play is
what you need to do, then you might find it easier to explain this to your
partner or friend. Sometimes when things are explained with confidence or
certainty, people accept it better. If not maybe s/he could read about the
issue, including this article.
Roommates don't have to know what you do, for that matter
neither do partners. But, it's usually better if your partner or a friend
supports you. Your partner or friend could even help with reassuring the kids,
reading stories to them, and holding them.
If your partner or friends help with
supporting the kids, they will need to be aware of their boundaries, and be
able to ask for what they need from you. Relationships need to be mutually
supportive to feel good. And contrary to what some people say, multiples are
perfectly capable of giving support to people in their lives. Problems can
arise when friends, support people, and partners give and give, but don't say
when they need a break, or ask for what they need. Problems can also arise when
one partner asks for a lot without thinking about the other person's needs.
Finding ways to balance the needs of both people is really important to do.
How Can I
Give to My Kids When I Need to be Taken Care Of?
Giving when you're feeling down or needy can be very hard.
But remember, by taking care of your kids, even by reading them a story, you
may find that you begin to
Kids Are
Wonderful!
Kids can be so
wonderful--full of life, awe, creativity, and joy. We'd all be better people,
and live in a much better world if everyone let themselves be more kid-like.
Multiples have that ability built-in, and deserve to explore that to the
fullest. No one should feel ashamed of being child-like. Instead of being a put
down--"you're acting like such a child"--it should be a sign of
creativity and freedom. It is a good thing.
Nurturing,
Caretaking, and Wise Parts
Most multiples have parts inside who are
nurturing, caretakers, protectors, or wise parts. Connecting with these parts
can help you to feel more grounded, protected, and taken care of. There may be
parts inside who will read to kids inside, or can hold them, give babies
bottles, and put them to bed. Other parts may be able to nurture all of you by
wrapping you in a blanket, reading a kids' story out loud, having hot chocolate
or ice cream, drawing a warm bath for you, helping you to relax or to be kind
to yourself. You'll need to find the things that make you feel good and safe
inside.
Inner wise parts also give terrific guidance -- they often
know what to do and what you need, even when you don't. You've got all kinds of
inner resources that you may not even be aware of. It can help to find out what
everyone has to offer and often these parts will know. Everyone inside, even
angry parts, has something to offer you.
Angry and
Critical Parts
Most people
with parts inside have angry or critical parts -- parts that are may be mad or
put you down with insults. These parts may call you names or even growl at you.
Angry parts need ways to express themselves safely. Safe ways to get
frustration and anger out can include tearing up unneeded paper or phone book, scribbling
hard and fast with black crayons, stomping, writing out mad stuff, or writing
out angry feelings at a multiple site in the anger section.
Remember,
while the anger may be directed at you and may feel scary, usually the angry
part is a child who is mad about being abused. You may need ground rules before
they come out in the body, for example, no hurting your body, or breaking
something important.
You may both feel
safer if they express their anger inside for a while before coming out in the
body. You can create a safe place inside that they can release their anger
without scaring other parts. Or maybe they can stay inside while they dictate
what to write down. That gives you control while letting them express
themselves.
Sometimes you
may feel like you can't relate to or understand an angry or critical part. They
are probably very angry, maybe even abusive. It's important to remember that
such parts usually took on more of the abuse, or more of the particularly hard
or sadistic abuse. They have good reason to be angry. They may have been told
that the abuse was happening because of you. They might have had to identify
with the abuser(s) in order to keep you safe, and now that the abuse is over
they don't know how to stop. Or, they may not believe that the abuse is over
and are preparing for the next attack by being tough and guarded.
Angry or critical
parts may have been programmed through great torture to act this way and may
believe that this is the only way to keep safe. Deep down they are trying to
protect both themselves and you from abuse, and they definitely worked to
protect you when you were being abused. They kept you alive, and they deserve
your respect and understanding for that.
However, it is
easier to say this then it is to do it, especially if angry parts are being
really abusive and this is causing you and others inside great pain, panic, and
fear. Finding ways to compartmentalize parts inside can be helpful in this
instance. For example, maybe you could imagine tucking the kids away in a safe
and soothing place, while you imagine a barrier between you, the kids and the
angry or critical parts. But if you do this, you might want to explain that you
don't think they are bad; it's just their that is upsetting. Letting them know
that you understand their anger and that they have a right to be angry can
help. Letting them have constructive ways inside to express their anger is also
a good idea. And listening and responding to their requests, if you can, can
help them feel heard adn respected -- perhaps for the first time -- and lessen
the anger directed at you.
What works for you really depends on your
internal system, but it's important to approach the situation with calm
respect. This can be hard to do if you're feeling abused, so you might need to
find a way to ground or reassure yourself and to feel safe before you interact
with these parts. It takes time, practice, and a little creativity to find what
works. Again, while it's important not to talk down to anyone inside, it might
help to remind yourself that this abusive part is most likely a child --
possibly a child imitating an adult, but still a child. How would you handle an
angry or abusive child? You might isolate her/him from other kids, ask them
what is going on for them, get them involved with another task, have them take
time-out and then check in with them, give them one-to-one attention, give them
options or explain they are not bad and that their behavior is hurtful.
Many people think that they don't have the time to let all
their parts out and still be able to work and do other things -- but you may be
surprised at what little time is needed. Sometimes letting just one part out
can help other parts inside to feel better.
For example, some people can have
different kids come out to play at the same time. For others, switching happens
a lot and quickly, so a number of kids are able to be out in fifteen minutes.
Or other people may need to let kids take turns being out at different times
and on different days. One thing you might want to try to do is ask kids inside
to all listen at a particular time -- and then read to them or have them be
read to at that time, thus letting many kids experience some comfort.
If your parts
know that they can count on you to let them out at some point, they can usually
wait until their turn. This may require some coordination and remembering whose
turn it is, but usually there are parts inside who are willing to keep track of
this and keep you informed. If something comes up and you can't let them out
when planned, tell them. Explain your reasons briefly using age-appropriate
language, and let them know when they can come out next. Parts inside,
especially kids, are often very understanding and reasonable if they are
included in the conversation. They know that you work and don't want to disrupt
that; they just want to know when they can come out and play.
Won't Other
Parts Try to Take Over My Life?
Parts inside don't want to take over your
life; they just want to express themselves, be able to do what makes them feel
good, and sometimes be taken care of. Angry parts usually want to protect you,
and if they think you aren't doing a good job at that, they'll usually tell you
(in so many words) and may try to intervene. But for the most part, they, too,
are content to have you handle all that outside stuff. Parts inside usually
just want time out where their needs or concerns can be addressed. By listening
to parts inside, responding to their needs, and considering their advice, you
might find that you want to know more often what they think.
Taking the
time to let parts out actually gives you more control, even though it may, at
first, feel as though you are losing control. When parts inside know that they
have times they can come out, they will be less likely to come out at times
when you need to be adult or in a specific role. The more you attend to their
needs, the better you will feel and the less demanding they will be in the long
run. When they first get time out, like the neglected kids they are, they may
want more and more, and you may feel overwhelmed. But eventually, by being
consistent (like a good parent is), they'll come to trust that you are there
for them and that they'll get their turn out, and this will help them to feel
less anxious or demanding.
Listening to parts inside and giving
everyone a turn out can help you to feel better over all, and can decrease
inner struggles about who has time out and when. In getting to know parts of
yourself, you may discover wonderful things you never knew you had --wisdom,
strength, the ability to protect yourself, the ability to play and to trust,
and more. So, be yourself in all your multiplicity and know that you are doing
something brave and healing for yourself.
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